“I think it’s over…”
“In a relationship.”
It’s a status we’ve seen countless times on social networks. Sometimes it’s a cause for celebration and sometimes it’s a cause for envy.
And for every “In a relationship” we see in our Facebook feed, there’s an equal number – if not more – of people we know who are breaking off their love interests, long-time partners or marriages.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), nearly 90 percent of people will be married by the time they are 50 years old. Between 40 and 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce the APA said, with those numbers increasing for second, third and fourth marriages. Of the marriages that last beyond the first few years, only half will make it their 20th anniversary.
Are we doomed to poor relationships? Can we rescue what seems to be lost?
We talked with leading U.K. Master Life Coach and hypnotherapist Gary Amers, who gave us five solid tips about how you can restore a relationship that’s failing.
1. Your heart knows the truth
Though it may sound a little campy, your heart really does know the truth about who you are, what you want and how you feel about people. If your relationship is on the rocks, one of the best things you can do for yourself and for the other person is take some time to listen to what you’re heart is telling you.
“Your heart is the center of you, and I truly believe your heart knows what you need,” Amers said. “It has answers and solutions and it knows which way to go.”
Amers recommended that you take some time by yourself in a quite place and think about the person you’re with whom you have a rocky relationship.
“As you think of that person, allow your feelings of love to present themselves,” he said. “Bring this picture of them close to you.”
2. Write Down What Your Heart Knows
As you ponder people you are picturing, it helps to use your words to understand the connections you have with the person you love.
Ask yourself questions beginning with the phrase, “My heart knows…” As you think about the person in the relationship which is faltering, write down 30 of these “My heart knows…” statements.
“Is there something inside you need to let go of? Your heart knows,” Amers said. “You’ll start to come up with insights about what needs to happen.”
“Your head will rationalize; it will say ‘Leave.’ Your heart knows it’s you who needs to let go.”
Look over your list and spend some time reflecting on what you’ve written. You’ll start to see indications of how you really feel about your loved one or friend.
“Your head will rationalize. It will say ‘Leave,’” Amers said. “Your heart knows it’s you who needs to let go.”
3. Identify Your Limiting Beliefs
As you look down the list of things you’ve made, you might notice there are certain beliefs you have about the person you love.
Many times these beliefs are known as “limiting beliefs”, those things to which we hold that filter everything that happens in our life.
For instance, Amers said, you might believe your partner is a cheater and it may be very hard for you to see them any other way. That belief limits the way you see your partner and it’s the paradigm through which you interpret many of his or her actions.
You’ll find, Amers said, that along with your belief — “He’s a cheater,” for example — is another belief that you probably should have, but don’t — “I can trust,” for example
4. See, Hear and Feel Your New Belief
Once you identify your limiting beliefs, you’ll see opportunities to take on new, positive beliefs to replace the old ones. To reinforce these new beliefs, try using your body and your voice. Place your hand over your heart and pectoral muscle and verbalize the belief you want to embrace. In this case, “I can trust.”
Amers calls this the kinesthetic response, which is a combination of the intersection between your beliefs, your verbal affirmation of that belief and body language which exudes certainty and confidence.
“In your life, the only reason why you believe and perceive something is because you’ve seen it and heard it and felt it.”
“In your life, the only reason why you believe and perceive something is because you’ve seen it and heard it and felt it,” Amers said. “Now, you’re about to see hear and feel that you can trust and your body will operate from this ‘software update’.”
5. Shift Your Energy From Yourself to Your Partner
“Everything you’ve ever wanted, I truly believe, comes from someone else,” Amers said. “If you want more love it comes from someone else. If you want more money, it comes from someone else’s wallet.”
The same goes for relationships, he said. If you know your partner needs more love, it’s going to have to come from you. And if you’re focus isn’t on your partner, they’ll never be as happy as they could be and you’ll never be as happy as you could be.
“Make your partner feel great about how he or she is. You’re going to light them up, and as you light them up, they’re going to feel fantastic.”
“Sometimes in relationships you go from this togetherness where you’re focusing on your partner to, ‘Its just all about me: Me, me, me, me, me,’” Amers said. “I want you to think about this: Has your life become about you … has it become more about, “You do your thing and I’ll do my thing?”
If you feel like your relationship has come to the point where you and your partner are doing your separate things, stop and think about how much you are giving.
“If you’re not focused on your partner, where is your focus going? Make your partner feel great about how he or she is. You’re going to light them up and as you light them up, they’re going to feel fantastic, they aren’t going to want to go anywhere other than your presence,” Amer said. “Are you giving energy, or is it just about take, take, take, take?”
More Relationship Tips …
These five tips are just a small piece of Gary Amers’ “Save Your Relationship and Fall Back in Love” free strategy series on Goaly. Check out his Save Your Relationship series for more ideas and strategies on how you can turn your relationships around.
In the meantime, you can get to know Gary through his introductory video!