Love & Romance

By Julie Ferman, Legendary Matchmaker & Dating Guru. http://www.JulieFerman.com

Are you hoping that your online dating adventure will “net” you a keeper? You’re not just fooling around – you are really looking to find and attract and enter into a relationship with one special person? Excellent. Here’s your short, punchy guide for how to set yourself up for success.

  1. Tell The Truth. Let no fib or untruth sneak onto your profile page. Have a trusted friend review what you’ve written and invite that person to help you embellish, slash and reword what you’re choosing to share about yourself.
  2. About Those Photos… You simply MUST have current, clear, high quality photos on your profile. A sharp, smiling face shot and the ESSENTIAL full body shot – THIS YEAR’s version of you. Skip the shirtless selfie in the bathroom mirror, lose the shot with 6 other bridesmaids, ditch that sunglasses and cap shot. Toss the photo with your ex blurred out. Seriously, folks… if you want to have second dates, you’ll want to have as few surprises as possible on the first date. Next time you spend any quality time in the mirror to look nice for an event – take THAT opportunity to have a friend shoot a bunch of photos, to capture a great one for your profile.
  3. Spin Positively. Let nothing negative fly off your fingertips. Frame everything you say in a positive light. Rather than saying “No couch potatoes” … say that you’re a good fit for someone who enjoys regular workouts and a healthy diet.
  4. Look For What’s Right. It’s OK to have a long wish list. But the key is to get VERY clear with yourself about what really matters most. Whittle your oh-so-long list of Ideal Mate Qualifiers down to Your Top Five. These are the qualities, characteristics and attributes that you would be unhappy without. You’d rather be alone for the rest of your life than choose a partner who wasn’t made up of these five elements. Hint: Height and hair don’t usually make it to the top five… When reading profiles (Yes, dismiss fewer based solely on the photos) look for your Top Five Critical Criteria. Resist the temptation to veto someone for not having item number 7 or 17 on your list. THIS will change everything for you. I promise.
  5. Say Yes. When in doubt, when a candidate is knocking on your door, if this person appears to have your coveted Top Five Critical Criteria, practice saying Yes. Remember – the way you’ve been doing dating hasn’t yet delivered the intended result.  Right? The nature of blind spots is that we simply can’t see our own. The great likelihood is that you’ve been dismissing, vetoing, and discarding plenty of potential candidates for what really are silly and superficial reasons. The ones that jump out at you as being the most delicious and desirable – well, guess what? EVERYONE notices that one, and so that “IT person” gets lots of attention. The best catch in the room is usually NOT the best looking, the tallest, the most charming or the wealthiest. Trust me on this. Look for the gems hidden just below the surface. Look just a little bit deeper than you have been. You don’t want to be overlooked for a minor flaw, or for not being the brightest star in the sky, do you? So don’t make that mistake when you’re trolling online profiles.
  6. Have The Courage To Be Vulnerable. Yes, it takes guts to put yourself at risk, to reach out, to say Yes, to call or to answer when the phone rings for you. How to bust through that fear is to focus on bringing a smile to this person’s face. It’s just an email. It’s just a text message. It’s just one date. Do dating one moment at a time, and if your intention is simply to contribute to this person, to brighten this person’s day and to lift spirits with each communication and each encounter, you simply can’t fail. In other words, make dating less about you and more about contributing to these other souls along your journey, one touch at a time. 
  7. Be Present.  Give the person in front of you (on your iPhone or in person) the gift of your presence. Resist the temptation to compare this person to a former love or to the fictitious ideal mate that you have lodged in your mind. Give this person the benefit of a fresh, open-minded perspective. Just as you want to be considered.  Do unto others…. When asked about anything sensitive regarding your past, share a positive 30-second response.  Don’t go down dark tunnels, and if your date is falling into that trap, rescue the conversation by offering a positive spin and bring the focus back to the present.
  8. Have The Courage To Initiate. If the right ones aren’t knocking on your door, see what happens when you reach out. Save your Favorites and send one thoughtful, concise, playful email every day.
  9. Be Smart.  Catch the creeps.  There are predators out there. Count on it. Keep private your last name, residential and work addresses. And use an email address that doesn’t reveal your last name. Be smart. Take your time before inviting someone into your home. Keep your pants on – hold off on sex until you are both ready to focus exclusively on each other and until you know that you share the same purpose for dating.
  10. Practice Kindness. Express appreciation. Say “Thank you.” Be kind to each other. Be honest with each other. When it’s not a fit, wish each other well and burn no bridges. As a wise grandmother once said, “Always be nice. And don’t turn down a date with anyone – you never know who his friends might be…”

By Julie Ferman, Legendary Matchmaker & Dating Guru. http://www.JulieFerman.com

Meet Julie at www.goaly.com for free coaching on video – visit her profile at http://www.goaly.com/julie-ferman for more information.

Couple on Beach, Relationships, Goaly Blog

“I think it’s over…”

“In a relationship.”

It’s a status we’ve seen countless times on social networks. Sometimes it’s a cause for celebration and sometimes it’s a cause for envy.

And for every “In a relationship” we see in our Facebook feed, there’s an equal number – if not more – of people we know who are breaking off their love interests, long-time partners or marriages.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), nearly 90 percent of people will be married by the time they are 50 years old. Between 40 and 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce the APA said, with those numbers increasing for second, third and fourth marriages.  Of the marriages that last beyond the first few years, only half will make it their 20th anniversary.

Are we doomed to poor relationships? Can we rescue what seems to be lost?

We talked with leading U.K. Master Life Coach and hypnotherapist Gary Amers, who gave us five solid tips about how you can restore a relationship that’s failing.

1. Your heart knows the truth

Though it may sound a little campy, your heart really does know the truth about who you are, what you want and how you feel about people. If your relationship is on the rocks, one of the best things you can do for yourself and for the other person is take some time to listen to what you’re heart is telling you.

“Your heart is the center of you, and I truly believe your heart knows what you need,” Amers said. “It has answers and solutions and it knows which way to go.”

Amers recommended that you take some time by yourself in a quite place and think about the person you’re with whom you have a rocky relationship.

Heart and Sunset, Relationships, Goaly Blog

“As you think of that person, allow your feelings of love to present themselves,” he said. “Bring this picture of them close to you.”

2. Write Down What Your Heart Knows

As you ponder people you are picturing, it helps to use your words to understand the connections you have with the person you love.

Ask yourself questions beginning with the phrase, “My heart knows…” As you think about the person in the relationship which is faltering, write down 30 of these “My heart knows…” statements.

“Is there something inside you need to let go of? Your heart knows,” Amers said. “You’ll start to come up with insights about what needs to happen.”

“Your head will rationalize; it will say ‘Leave.’ Your heart knows it’s you who needs to let go.”

Look over your list and spend some time reflecting on what you’ve written. You’ll start to see indications of how you really feel about your loved one or friend.

“Your head will rationalize. It will say ‘Leave,’” Amers said. “Your heart knows it’s you who needs to let go.”

3. Identify Your Limiting Beliefs

As you look down the list of things you’ve made, you might notice there are certain beliefs you have about the person you love.

Many times these beliefs are known as “limiting beliefs”, those things to which we hold that filter everything that happens in our life.

Heart, Relationships, Gary Amers, Goaly Blog

For instance, Amers said, you might believe your partner is a cheater and it may be very hard for you to see them any other way. That belief limits the way you see your partner and it’s the paradigm through which you interpret many of his or her actions.

You’ll find, Amers said, that along with your belief — “He’s a cheater,” for example — is another belief that you probably should have, but don’t — “I can trust,” for example

4. See, Hear and Feel Your New Belief

Once you identify your limiting beliefs, you’ll see opportunities to take on new, positive beliefs to replace the old ones. To reinforce these new beliefs, try using your body and your voice. Place your hand over your heart and pectoral muscle and verbalize the belief you want to embrace. In this case, “I can trust.”

Amers calls this the kinesthetic response, which is a combination of the intersection between your beliefs, your verbal affirmation of that belief and  body language which exudes certainty and confidence.

“In your life, the only reason why you believe and perceive something is because you’ve seen it and heard it and felt it.”

“In your life, the only reason why you believe and perceive something is because you’ve seen it and heard it and felt it,” Amers said. “Now, you’re about to see hear and feel that you can trust and your body will operate from this ‘software update’.”

5. Shift Your Energy From Yourself to Your Partner

“Everything you’ve ever wanted, I truly believe, comes from someone else,” Amers said. “If you want more love it comes from someone else. If you want more money, it comes from someone else’s wallet.”

The same goes for relationships, he said. If you know your partner needs more love, it’s going to have to come from you. And if you’re focus isn’t on your partner, they’ll never be as happy as they could be and you’ll never be as happy as you could be.

“Make your partner feel great about how he or she is. You’re going to light them up, and as you light them up, they’re going to feel fantastic.”

“Sometimes in relationships you go from this togetherness where you’re focusing on your partner  to, ‘Its just all about me: Me, me, me, me, me,’” Amers said. “I want you to think about this: Has your life become about you … has it become more about, “You do your thing and I’ll do my thing?”

If you feel like your relationship has come to the point where you and your partner are doing your separate things, stop and think about how much you are giving.

“If you’re not focused on your partner, where is your focus going?  Make your partner feel great about how he or she is. You’re going to light them up and as you light them up, they’re going to feel fantastic, they aren’t going to want to go anywhere other than your presence,” Amer said. “Are you giving energy, or is it just about take, take, take, take?”

More Relationship Tips … 

These five tips are just a small piece of Gary Amers’ “Save Your Relationship and Fall Back in Love” free strategy series on Goaly. Check out his Save Your Relationship series for more ideas and strategies on how you can turn your relationships around.

In the meantime, you can get to know Gary through his introductory video!