Limiting Belifes

Goaly was so happy to have the amazing Terri Cole right here, in Copenhagen!  Her talk was dedicated to our well known “frenemy” : fear.

Terri is now launching a 4 week program with experts as Marie Forleo, Danielle Leporte, Gabrielle Bernstein, Meggan Watterson, Kate Northrup among many other A-listers.  Check out her course right here

The event & Photoshoot:

Around 50 female CEO`s and bloggers participated at the event, and we were so inspired by stories around the table from the world´s happiest country – Denmark!

After filming and planning, we did a photo shoot with the top Scandinavian Photographer Fred Jonny.

 

Photo Shoot The Scandinavian Way..
Photo Shoot The Scandinavian Way..

Working with him, was a great honor! From shooting the top brands and fashion magazines, he took the trip over to capture the true beauty of one of the world´s leading therapist and life coaches. After the shoot we went directly to the event place @ CharlottenBorg Cafe. Terri had exactly 5 minutes to prepare, after working on tour with one of her A-list clients for a month – we thought she liked a hectic schedule :)

Charlottenborg Cafe

 

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We were so blessed connecting with Denmark´s leading jewelry maker Mads Heindorf. In his store, we picked out jewelry that was hand made and a perfect fit for out theme. With a jewelry guard at our side, we shot photos at Copenhagen’s best locations, fighting rain and wind.

- Luckily our experienced Photographer and assistant knew how to make the best out of the situation!

Tiny Sneak peak of photoshoot
Tiny Sneak peak of photoshoot – with Mads Heindorf jewlery.

Our favorite pick from his collection was the meditating buddha with 10 sapphires and diamonds… ( Visit his store here if you feel like updating your jewelry collecting and insurance policy! )

Another surprise for our event, was Denmark´s green genius Eric Florent. From the same location (If you want to visit and take a look at flower walls and sun cell driven flower decorations! )

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During his many travels around the globe, he observed and collected a variety of species from different environments – and created installations that is perfectly suited to our interior! The big “buzz” was the 3-meter tall “flower walls” that watered themselves, and the eco-friendly glasses that was powered by the sun and gave a beautiful lighting effect at the flowers at night!

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A big thanks to http://karmameju.com/ for providing some amazing Goodie-bags for Terri - and pure organic oils for the audience! 

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Thank you to all helpers during the event, and a special thanks to Fred Jonny´s assistant, Sarah (Our beloved DOP) Mell and our stylist for the day And any other day) Yunah! 

Silly Guy, Aboodi Shabi, Goaly Blog

“We sit here stranded though we’re all doing our best to deny it.” – Bob Dylan (Visions of Johanna).

Our blog series with Aboodi Shabi, one of the U.K.’s leading coaches and leadership developers, continues today with the topic of incompetence. It’s hard for us to admit our mistakes and break out of our comfort zone, but Aboodi will do just that with the following post.

Declaring your Incompetence

I learned to drive more than thirty years ago, but one thing I never quite mastered was parking. Of course, I could sort of park, but I always struggled with parallel parking and would often give up on a parking space because it was too tight for me to get into.

I just put up with this and the frustration it caused. I didn’t think to ask for help, partly because I didn’t know that help would be available, but mostly out of embarrassment – parking is just one of those things one “should” be able to do.

Parking Your Pride

And then, a few weeks ago, I was visiting a friend for a walk. As I pulled into the car-park, she greeted me with “Gosh, your parking’s really awful, isn’t it?” Fortunately, I was in a good mood and was able to simply respond by agreeing with her,  saying that I’d always struggled with parallel parking.

Parking, Aboodi Shabi, Goaly Blog

Having acknowledged my incompetence, I was able to receive her offer of help and she set about teaching me the basics. Half an hour later, I understood something I’d never known before, and have been practising ever since.

It sounds like no big deal, but I think it touches on a fundamental aspect of human learning.

Help Me! (Or Not)

In my years of working with people, I have consistently come across one huge obstacle to learning that shows up for people however sophisticated, competent, or clever they are – the inability to admit the need for help, or more bluntly, the inability to admit their incompetence.

Even when people come for coaching or to one of my learning programmes, their starting point is often that “everything is fine” – to which my response, whether it’s spoken or not, is to reflect on why they have called me if nothing is wrong or if there is nothing they are struggling with.

Stop sign, Aboodi Shabi, Goaly Blog

It’s very hard for people to say “I’m lost, can you help me?” Just like the cliché of the guy who refuses to stop and ask for directions when driving, we live in a time when individuals are supposed to be able to help themselves and overcome any challenges alone. Any admission that we don’t know how to do something is a sign of weakness.

Where is Your Incompetence?

So, if we substitute other things for parking, where might you be just putting up with something you’re unable to figure out? Where are you sitting with frustration, embarrassed to ask for help, or not believing that help could be available?

Maybe you’re frustrated by the expectations of others at work and feel unable to do anything other than trying alone to stay on top of things. Maybe you feel unable to change some aspect of your personal life – you might drink too much, or feel unable to stop fighting with your spouse. Maybe you can’t find a way out of your financial difficulties.

In almost all of these kinds of situation, there is a way out of our difficulties. Support is often available to us, but, until that admission is there, until we declare that we can’t manage something or that we need help, real change is not possible.

“The hardest part of the learning journey or of making changes is the admission of the inability to do something or of the struggle.”

People are often willing to help us,  offer us new perspectives and ways out of our difficulties or provide comfort in our struggles. However, if we are unwilling to acknowledge the difficulties we face, then we are not going to be open to such support.

What I find time and time again in my work with people is that the hardest part of the learning journey or of making changes is the admission of the inability to do something or of the struggle. Once that step has been taken the process is usually simple, if not easy.

Surrendering to the learning journey by declaring one’s incompetence is the doorway to beginning to change.

Questions for Reflection

  • Where are you frustrated or struggling with a lack of progress in your professional or personal life?
  • What might be your learning challenges or areas of incompetence?
  • What stops you from admitting those challenges and asking for help?
  • What help might be available to you, once you begin to ask for it?

© Aboodi Shabi – 2015
aboodi@aboodishabi.com - www.aboodishabi.com

Boy, Aboodi Shabi, Goaly Blog

“We shape ourselves to fit this world and by the world are shaped again.” David Whyte

All of us have behaviors shaped by factors outside of ourselves.

Leadership developer and founding co-president of the U.K. chapter of the International Coach Federation Aboodi Shabi talks with us today about how we can identify and transform our learned behaviors. Enjoy!

From Apartheid to Great Expectations

In the introduction to Peter Senge’s book “Presence”, there is a powerful story from a leadership workshop Senge was running in South Africa in 1990 during the last days of the Apartheid system.

During the workshop, which was for both blacks and whites, the participants were shown a video of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, which had been banned in South Africa, and which many of them had never seen before.

After the video was shown, one of the participants, a white Afrikaans businessman, turned to one of the black community leaders, Anne Loetsebe, and said to her: “I want you to know that I was raised to think you were an animal.” And then he started crying. Anne just held him in her gaze and nodded. (You can read the full story here.)

Similarly, Estella, the adoptive daughter of Miss Havisham in Dickens’ novel “Great Expectations”, is depicted as being unable to love because she was brought up by a mother who had hated men after being jilted at the altar.

Learned Behavior: It Can Change

Stories like that illustrate that people aren’t “racist” because they are fundamentally evil or bad, nor are they “unable to love” because they are inherently unemotional. We are the way that we are because that’s what we have learned. And the things that we assess as character “deficiencies” might simply be things we have or have not learned.

“We are the way that we are because that’s what we have learned.”

When I work with people, in all kinds of contexts and situations, I frequently hear statements like “That’s just the way that I am,” “I’m really bad at asking for help,” or, “I’m never going to be any good at leadership.”

On further exploration, we usually discover that, at some point in their early lives, they were trained to be a certain way, or not trained in a particular competency.

Suddenly, what initially seemed to them as a character flaw becomes simply a recognition of a lack of learning or training, and then a different kind of possibility occurs – the possibility to train in a different way, to learn a new way of being.

“What seems a character flaw can become simply a recognition of a lack of learning or training, and then a different kind of possibility occurs.”

Of course, as with the stories above of the Afrikaner businessman or Estella, this realisation can bring with it a lot of pain, regret over what we might have missed or sadness over not having realised this earlier. There are so many things I wish I’d known when I was twenty, rather than having to wait until I was thirty or forty or fifty, to discover!

Feeling Freedom

Once we realise those things, there’s a new kind of freedom as well as a compassion that sets in when we realise that we’re not intrinsically flawed, but that we have been trained to live, think, or be a certain kind of way. Then, we can be available for learning – for re-training – in a way that we were not before this understanding.

Girl Running, Aboodi Shabi, Goaly Blog

 

That awareness can bring about a powerful shift in our mood – we’re not doomed to be the way we might have been all of our lives. We can learn something new – in much the same way as we are not doomed to only being able to speak our native language because that’s what we learned growing up, so we are not condemned to being unable to love, or to not being able to ask for help, etc.

Simply put, once we understand that who we are is, to a large extent, who we have learned to be, we can learn to be something new.

Questions for Reflection

  • You might like to take a look at “who you are” – at your characteristics and personality, and reflect on how you might have learned to be that way.
  • If you have aspects of yourself that you see as ‘flaws’, can you see them as simply ‘things you have learned’?
  • What do these reflections open up for you?

© Aboodi Shabi – 2015
aboodi@aboodishabi.com - www.aboodishabi.com

Tired Girl, Tips for Getting Unstuck, Goaly Blog

Goodbye Rut, Hello New Reality!

“I feel stuck.”

It’s something we hear a lot from our colleagues, people who visit Goaly and from ourselves from time to time.

Providing a technical definition for stuckness is difficult. In simple terms, it refers to those moments or seasons in life where we feel like we can’t make any progress – no forward movement – no matter how much we want it.

Most of the time we aren’t aware of the forces amid our stuckness which are keeping us chained to one spot.

We turned to some amazing coaches to talk to us about what causes us to be stuck and how we can break free from our limitations and move forward.

We’re Ruled by the Terrible F.M.B.

The problem
Forbes columnist, leadership trainer and  career coach Kathy Caprino says many of us are stuck in one certain spot in life because we’re ruled by fears, mindsets and behaviors (FMB) we’ve developed over the years.

“We don’t realize that these fears, mindsets and behaviors not only hold us back, but they actually co-create and attract what’s happening in our lives,” Caprino told us.

The Solution
Getting out of this FMB dominion is a matter of taking ourselves to the next level of thought, a level where we have control over what we do and who we want to be.

“It’s only when we shift internally and empower ourselves to think, act and believe at a higher level can the outer changes we long for become a reality.”

“It’s only when we shift internally and empower ourselves to think, act and believe at a higher level can the outer changes we long for most become a reality,” Caprino said. “Einstein said, ‘A problem can’t be solved on the level of consciousness that created it.’ Truth!”

We Love Our Internal Auto-Pilot Setting

The Problem
Dating coach Julie Ferman
pointed out we have a knack for falling into a routine of behavior that becomes our way of life not because it’s best, but because it’s easiest.

“We tend to keep doing things the same way. We get stuck in ruts, patterns of thought and behavior, and it’s uncomfortable to do something new and different,” Ferman said. “It’s ‘easier’ to just be on auto-pilot, going about our day’s journey in a way that’s already known.”

The Solution
The best way to break out of our auto-pilot rut, Ferman said, is to make the choice to be courageous and thoughtful.

“It takes courage and commitment to stop, think, and act or behave in a new way by choice as opposed to instinct or pattern,” she said.

“We honor our humanity by stepping into that place of courage and commitment, initiating a new reality for ourselves.”

In fact, choosing to break out of our auto-pilot actions and embrace a new life is one of the unique things which makes us human.

“As humans we have the ability to choose… and that’s what’s uniquely special about being human,” she said. “We honor our humanity by stepping into that place of courage and commitment, initiating a new reality for ourselves.”

Happy Girl, Overcoming Our Ruts
Change is possible through courage and commitment…

We Don’t Think We Can Change

The Problem
Aboodi Shabi, one of the United Kingdom’s leading leadership developers and transformation coaches
, told us many of his clients don’t truly believe they can change.

They get so accustomed to living their life according to their habits — both good and bad — they don’t realize they are capable of changing themselves and leaping out of their rut and into a new reality.

“We can fall into believing that we can’t really change who we are.”

The solution
Identifying the the thoughts which underpin our belief that we can’t change is a key to getting unstuck.

“We can … fall into believing that we can’t really change who we are,” he said. “If we don’t address the your core beliefs and interpretations, then new learning isn’t likely to stick.”

Reaching Back in Time

The Problem
Leading financial coach Michelle Tascoe
said many of us live our lives a certain way based on our tendency to look to previous events in our life for answers about what to do in the present.

“People get stuck in a pattern when they look to the past/experience for answers,” she said. “By doing this they get more of the past and never create a new future.”

When you’re stuck looking to the past for what you want, you tend to lose sight of what you truly desire in the present.

The Solution
Tascoe told us the key to making a change in your life is to know what you want and to desire a transformation.

“Just wanting to change isn’t enough. If you don’t know where you want to go you’ll never get there.”

“I am shocked by how many of my clients initially don’t really know what they want,” Tascoe said. “There is a saying that people perish for lack of vision. Just wanting to change isn’t enough. If you don’t know where you want to go you’ll never get there.”

Caught in Core Beliefs

The Problem
“Human beings get ‘stuck’ in particular habits of being when our core beliefs – about ourselves, about other people, and about the world itself – are inconsistent with the results we desire to achieve,” certified Law of Attraction coach and life coach trainer Christy Whitman told us.

For instance, she said, if you believe that you are inadequate, that belief becomes a filter through which you interpret everything that happens.

The Solution
Most of the time, that filter will reinforce your belief you are inadequate. If you wan’t to break out of the life you’ve been living, you’ll need to expose these beliefs.

“By bringing these hidden beliefs to the light and taking actions that challenge their validity we shift our consciousness and later our reality.”

“By bringing these hidden beliefs to the light and taking actions that challenge their validity,” Whitman said, “we shift our consciousness and alter our reality.”

If you want to know more about Christy’s introductory video for Goaly:

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We love our limiting beliefs…

Our personal refrains of “I’m not good enough” and “I don’t deserve that” or “I can’t be loved” are what experts call “limiting beliefs”, those powerful notions in our minds that deter us from doing certain things because we believe they are beyond the limits of what is due to us.

New York-based life coach Lisa Romano – author, head of her own coaching practice and mother of three – pointed out one of her previous limiting beliefs: that surviving was more important that happiness.

“Life was always about survival,” Romano said. “When I told my father about me wanting to divorce my first husband … he looked at me square in the eye, and as disgust swept across his face he said, ‘Who ever said you had to be happy Lisa? Life is hard. All you have to do is survive.’ I knew in that moment why it was that I never accomplished the goals I set out to achieve.”

Romano’s experience is just one of many common limiting beliefs which hinder us from inner liberty and joy. Here are nine common limiting beliefs and how to overcome them now:

#1 “I cannot be loved because I have too much baggage.”

Part of  Lisa Romano’s struggle was that, after having three children and being divorced, her family and friends told her ‘baggage’ made her undesirable.

The key to overcoming this limiting belief was to refuse to give up on her dream of finding a loving partner. As feelings drive thoughts, she said, you have to feel your worthiness.

I held steadfast to my dream of one day manifesting a relationship that would make me feel seen, heard, validated, and respected.

“In spite of how ingrained my limiting beliefs were, I held steadfast to my dream of one day manifesting a relationship that would make me feel seen, heard, validated, and respected,” she said. “I know it is hard to believe, but my new husband asked me out on our first date precisely on my forty-fifth birthday. It’s been almost two years since we married, and life is better than I ever could have imagined.”

#2 “What other people think matters more than what I think.”

Carole Ann Rice, a life coach based in the United Kingdom, said this belief is far too common. The results of this limiting belief, she pointed out, are devastating – “When you live by the approval of others you die by their criticism.”

The key to overcoming this belief is to acknowledge and embrace that you are in control of your own fate.

When you live by the approval of others you die by their criticism.

“I get the client to ‘own’ their own lives, to see that they are the authors of their own destiny and that they can’t live by the rules of others,” she said.

#3 “What if people think I’m crazy?”

Barrie Davenport, the life coach behind the Atlanta’s Live Bold and Bloom, said this limiting belief usually arrives when we are making daily choices big and small.

“We all want a guarantee of success and ease when it comes to change and decisions in our lives and work,” Davenport said.

We feel a sense of uncertainty that spurs our doubts. The key to overcoming this limiter, she said, is coming to terms with the fact that nearly every decision you make carries a certain measure of the unknown.

We all want a guarantee of success and ease when it comes to change and decisions in our lives and work.

“Get comfortable with the feelings of uncertainty and learn to trust your own intelligence and judgment,” she said. “When you apply common sense, the wisdom of experience and appropriate due diligence, you are doing everything you can to lessen the risk. But eventually you must take a leap of faith.”

#4 “I am a failure.”

Gary Amers, a top life coach in the United Kingdom, said the limiting belief that you are a failure sticks to us like a magnet. The bond which keeps us chained to our limiting belief is a mix of images, sounds and language.

Amers said the use of negative language as we think about our failures is a key component of our limiting thoughts. If you’re constantly telling yourself you’re a failure, change the language. 

If you actually felt like a success, how would that feel?

Amers suggested asking yourself the following questions: “What if you weren’t a failure? How would that feel? If you actually felt like a success, how would that feel?”

Once you’ve asked those questions, turn your focus to your limiting belief: “Could you doubt your belief even just a little bit? How does it feel to know you can doubt it? Now that you’ve analyzed your limiting belief, is it a complete lie? How do you know for certain?”

#5 “I’m too…”

One of the most common limiters life coaches hear is the “I’m too” phrases: “I’m too old,” “I’m too set in my ways,” “It’s too hard” and the like. These limiters, Barrie Davenport said, are based on fear — we make excuses to have a reason for passing up an opportunity.

I challenge (my clients) to break down the effort into small and manageable chunks and take the first few steps toward their goal

The best medicine for this limiter, she said, is to take the big task and divide it up into easier-to-approach parts.

“I challenge (my clients) to break down the effort into small and manageable chunks and take the first few steps toward their goal,” she said. “More often than not, they see their limiting belief didn’t hold any water.”

# 6 “I am not enough.”

California-based life coach Christine Hassler and Las Vegas life coach and New York Times bestselling author Christy Whitman both pointed out this limiting belief. Whitman said it’s “the most common and usually the hardest to change.”

We feel the unending pressures of our job, our families and our inner growth and we succumb to the sense that we are missing something.

“(This belief) comes from forgetting we are totally whole, complete, and connected to Source energy. When we were born, we knew we that,” Hassler said. “But then things happen in our life that create hurt, fear, doubt, judgment, etc. and we totally forget and buy into the limiting beliefs.”

Overcoming this limiting belief is a matter of remembering who we really are, exploring our past and discovering a sense of spirituality. 

Remembering we are one, loved and totally connected to source usually requires doing personal growth work.

“Remembering we are one, loved and totally connected to source,” Hassler said. “Since remembering that is not always easy, it usually requires doing personal growth work to tend to some of the past hurts in combination with getting on a spiritual path of some kind.”

Whitman said using your mental energy for positive thoughts and not the negative ones you normally entertain is  another technique to overcome this belief.

“We need to find the energy in our minds and bodies and shift it into what we do want and then feel the new energy replacing the old energy,” she said.

#7 “Somebody else can do it better than me.”

Jill Tupper, a life coach in Kansas City (Mo.), said this limiting belief is one of the most effective in stopping us from taking action.

“We hold ourselves back, utterly convincing ourselves that it’s not worth the effort as another can do it better,” she said.

The starting point for deconstructing this lie is seeing yourself as you truly are — imperfections and all.

We hold ourselves back.

That can be difficult, she said, because we hold ourselves to such high standards of perfection we often cower back from a task and let someone else accomplish it.

“Cognitively we know this is absurd,” she said, “yet we fall for it again and again.”

#8 “I have less value as a single mom than I did as a married mom.”

Many single moms face the startling realization that the world around them — even their friends and family — is disappointed they got divorced. Live with this disapproval long enough and you start to believe it, Jill Tupper said, pointing to her own experience with this limiting belief.

“It had infiltrated the depths of my psyche in such a way that its talons had sunk their grip into my mind and heart and I bought it unquestionably,” she said.

It was rolling up my sleeves, facing my fears and stepping way out of what I thought I could do on my own.

Tupper’s personal solution was to do something in direct opposition to the belief — she took her kids to Mexico for nonprofit work, an idea she said she had convinced herself was crazy because she was a single mom.

“It was rolling up my sleeves, facing my fears and stepping way out of what I thought I could do on my own that broke the dark curse I had placed upon myself,” Tupper noted.

#9 “I don’t deserve this.”

This limiting belief comes from a weak self-esteem, Barrie Davenport said.

“We don’t feel worthy enough to be successful or to go after what we really want in life,” she said.

One of the best ways to rebuild your self-esteem is to do the thing you don’t think you deserve.

For a lot of people, this belief is instilled in them during their childhood and they nurture it as they grow older. Davenport said the best way to combat this limiting belief is to approach it head-on: identify the thing you think you don’t deserve and pursue it.

“One of the best ways to rebuild your self-esteem is to do the thing you don’t think you deserve,” she said. “Go for the goal and achieve something meaningful to you. Accomplishment is an amazing self-esteem booster.”

Learning to be somebody different

Limiting beliefs, no matter which ones they are, can become so ingrained into our way of thinking we lose sight of who we can be. Restoring our thoughts and our self-perception is possible, said Aboodi Shabi, a personal development and leadership expert: we can be who we want to be.

Even though you think you might be attached to your fixed notions of self, and resistant to change, they begin to understand they can learn to be somebody different than who they currently are.

“In my coaching, the biggest realisation for clients is that many of the ‘truths’ they have about themselves are just something they learned,” he said. “And, even though they might …  be attached to their fixed notions of their self, and resistant to change, they begin to understand they can learn to be somebody different than who they currently are.”