Communication

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Megaphone, Public Speaking, Patricia Stark

We fear public speaking…

The thought of speaking in front of a crowd of people is enough to make most of us sick to our stomach.

Nerves often get the best of us as we say our first words, then the beautiful mosaic of spoken artistry we envisioned in our minds unravels into a tangly mess of stuttering, mispronunciation and the general feeling that you’d rather be any place in the world other than where you’re standing.

We never quite say what we want to say and we never quite express the emotions we want to express.

That’s why we talked with New York-based communications coach Patricia Stark, who told us that your success in public speaking boils down to three basic principles.

“Those three things will help ground you and anchor you to be really sure that this situation unfolds the way that you’re hoping that it will,” Stark said, “and that the people on the receiving end will understand your message and why you’re delivering it.

The FOX News anchor and actress gave us three areas essential to confident, excellent public speaking:

1. Intention

Public speaking requires that you have an intention. That intention will be the guiding principle behind what you say and how you say it.

The best way to set yourself up for success in the public speaking arena is to focus your attention on the audience, Stark said.

Microphone, Public Speaking, Patricia Stark

“Your first intention has to be, ‘How can I be of service?’ and ‘How can I give something of value here?’ and ‘What can I do to either educate them, motivate them, inspire them and give them something they can leave with in their lives and benefit them,’” she said.

“Everything tends to fall into place and takes care of itself when you have the right intention.”

Once your focus is in the right place and your intentions are others-centered, you’ll notice public speaking or presenting becomes a little easier.

“Once you have the right intention and your priority is the audience member, and you make it be about them, it takes an enormous amount of pressure off you,” Stark said. “Everything tends to fall into place and takes care of itself when you have the right intention. “

2. Belief

What you believe about your cause, argument, idea or business is an indispensable part of your public speaking arsenal. Belief is not only important in the sense that it strengthens your confidence in what you have to say, but it makes what you’re saying authentic and believable for your audience.

“You have to believe wholeheartedly in what you are about to say and do because, if you aren’t 100% convinced yourself, you’ll never be able to convince anyone else,” Stark said.  “You have to be all-in; hook, line and sinker.”

“You have to believe wholeheartedly in what you are about to say and do because, if you aren’t 100% convinced yourself, you’ll never be able to convince anyone else.” 

Your belief could be the difference in your words being fierce enough to inspire battle cries or toothless enough to induce yawns.

“No one is going to catch your fire unless you have that mentality of ‘I truly believe what I’m saying here,’” she said. “Because if you don’t, people are going to wonder why you’re even bothering.”

3. Mindset

What’s the first thought that creeps into your mind in the minutes and seconds before you take the stage for your presentation or speech?

Most of us recite a long list of negative thoughts.: “I hope I don’t screw up.” “I hope I don’t mess up.” “I hope I don’t blank out.”

“We’re really great, as human beings, at worrying about worst-case scenarios and what can go wrong,” Stark said.

“Before a speech or before you get in front of a television camera or a job interview, you need to ask, ‘What am I saying to myself?’ and ‘What am I visualizing right now?’”

One of the keys to a successful presentation or speech is “pre-paving”, a method of visualizing the success you want to achieve.

“Before a speech or before you get in front of a television camera or a job interview, you need to ask, ‘What am I saying to myself?’ and ‘What am I visualizing right now?’,” Stark said. “You want to take some time to not only think the right thoughts and be in charge of what you’re saying to yourself, but then go even further and visualize – see exactly what you want to have happen as it’s unfolding.”

More Strategies From Patricia Stark

If you’d like to get more tips and strategies about public speaking and communication, check out Patricia Stark’s free, step-by-step Goaly strategy, “The Art of Presenting: Belief, Mindset and Intention”.

Here’s Patricia’s introductory video to the series:

Couple on Beach, Relationships, Goaly Blog

“I think it’s over…”

“In a relationship.”

It’s a status we’ve seen countless times on social networks. Sometimes it’s a cause for celebration and sometimes it’s a cause for envy.

And for every “In a relationship” we see in our Facebook feed, there’s an equal number – if not more – of people we know who are breaking off their love interests, long-time partners or marriages.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), nearly 90 percent of people will be married by the time they are 50 years old. Between 40 and 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce the APA said, with those numbers increasing for second, third and fourth marriages.  Of the marriages that last beyond the first few years, only half will make it their 20th anniversary.

Are we doomed to poor relationships? Can we rescue what seems to be lost?

We talked with leading U.K. Master Life Coach and hypnotherapist Gary Amers, who gave us five solid tips about how you can restore a relationship that’s failing.

1. Your heart knows the truth

Though it may sound a little campy, your heart really does know the truth about who you are, what you want and how you feel about people. If your relationship is on the rocks, one of the best things you can do for yourself and for the other person is take some time to listen to what you’re heart is telling you.

“Your heart is the center of you, and I truly believe your heart knows what you need,” Amers said. “It has answers and solutions and it knows which way to go.”

Amers recommended that you take some time by yourself in a quite place and think about the person you’re with whom you have a rocky relationship.

Heart and Sunset, Relationships, Goaly Blog

“As you think of that person, allow your feelings of love to present themselves,” he said. “Bring this picture of them close to you.”

2. Write Down What Your Heart Knows

As you ponder people you are picturing, it helps to use your words to understand the connections you have with the person you love.

Ask yourself questions beginning with the phrase, “My heart knows…” As you think about the person in the relationship which is faltering, write down 30 of these “My heart knows…” statements.

“Is there something inside you need to let go of? Your heart knows,” Amers said. “You’ll start to come up with insights about what needs to happen.”

“Your head will rationalize; it will say ‘Leave.’ Your heart knows it’s you who needs to let go.”

Look over your list and spend some time reflecting on what you’ve written. You’ll start to see indications of how you really feel about your loved one or friend.

“Your head will rationalize. It will say ‘Leave,’” Amers said. “Your heart knows it’s you who needs to let go.”

3. Identify Your Limiting Beliefs

As you look down the list of things you’ve made, you might notice there are certain beliefs you have about the person you love.

Many times these beliefs are known as “limiting beliefs”, those things to which we hold that filter everything that happens in our life.

Heart, Relationships, Gary Amers, Goaly Blog

For instance, Amers said, you might believe your partner is a cheater and it may be very hard for you to see them any other way. That belief limits the way you see your partner and it’s the paradigm through which you interpret many of his or her actions.

You’ll find, Amers said, that along with your belief — “He’s a cheater,” for example — is another belief that you probably should have, but don’t — “I can trust,” for example

4. See, Hear and Feel Your New Belief

Once you identify your limiting beliefs, you’ll see opportunities to take on new, positive beliefs to replace the old ones. To reinforce these new beliefs, try using your body and your voice. Place your hand over your heart and pectoral muscle and verbalize the belief you want to embrace. In this case, “I can trust.”

Amers calls this the kinesthetic response, which is a combination of the intersection between your beliefs, your verbal affirmation of that belief and  body language which exudes certainty and confidence.

“In your life, the only reason why you believe and perceive something is because you’ve seen it and heard it and felt it.”

“In your life, the only reason why you believe and perceive something is because you’ve seen it and heard it and felt it,” Amers said. “Now, you’re about to see hear and feel that you can trust and your body will operate from this ‘software update’.”

5. Shift Your Energy From Yourself to Your Partner

“Everything you’ve ever wanted, I truly believe, comes from someone else,” Amers said. “If you want more love it comes from someone else. If you want more money, it comes from someone else’s wallet.”

The same goes for relationships, he said. If you know your partner needs more love, it’s going to have to come from you. And if you’re focus isn’t on your partner, they’ll never be as happy as they could be and you’ll never be as happy as you could be.

“Make your partner feel great about how he or she is. You’re going to light them up, and as you light them up, they’re going to feel fantastic.”

“Sometimes in relationships you go from this togetherness where you’re focusing on your partner  to, ‘Its just all about me: Me, me, me, me, me,’” Amers said. “I want you to think about this: Has your life become about you … has it become more about, “You do your thing and I’ll do my thing?”

If you feel like your relationship has come to the point where you and your partner are doing your separate things, stop and think about how much you are giving.

“If you’re not focused on your partner, where is your focus going?  Make your partner feel great about how he or she is. You’re going to light them up and as you light them up, they’re going to feel fantastic, they aren’t going to want to go anywhere other than your presence,” Amer said. “Are you giving energy, or is it just about take, take, take, take?”

More Relationship Tips … 

These five tips are just a small piece of Gary Amers’ “Save Your Relationship and Fall Back in Love” free strategy series on Goaly. Check out his Save Your Relationship series for more ideas and strategies on how you can turn your relationships around.

In the meantime, you can get to know Gary through his introductory video!

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Businessman, Leadership Tips, Goaly Blog

Leadership is like a dance…

In it’s simplest form, the concept of leadership includes the person doing the leading and the person doing the following. If there are no followers, there are no leaders.

The dance between leader and follower is at the core of the leadership philosophies of Aboodi Shabi, a transformational coaching expert and founder/co-president of the U.K. International Coaching Federation.

We asked Shabi about leadership and he gave us four principles you can practice to today to become a better leader.

1. Don’t Overemphasize Your Skill

Many leaders invest more time in honing their skills than leading their followers. While technical expertise is an important part of being a good leader, it’s not the only part of being a leader. There’s another level of depth to leadership that goes far beyond your competency in your area of work or business.

“Leadership isn’t just about having technical competency or skills.”

“Leadership isn’t just about having technical competency or skills,” Shabi said. “When we talk about being the kind of leader that will attract followers and keep a team going with them through difficult times, this points to something much deeper.”

2. Be A Clear Communicator

Part of being a strong authority figure is knowing how to communicate in a way that people can understand. Nothing is more confusing for followers than to have a leader who can’t express their ideals, thoughts and expectations clearly.

A leader weak in communication skills is a leader who will be weak in presence.

“Leadership is very much like that. It’s an art that requires the leader to be clear and give clear instructions.”

“I think of it like tango. If the leader isn’t clear or confident about where he’s going then the follower will not follow or she’ll try and second guess where he’s going … and the tango doesn’t happen,” Shabi said. “Leadership is very much like that. It’s an art that requires the leader to be clear and give clear instructions and have some authority so the followers will trust the leader.”

3.Don’t Under-emphasize Your Listening Abilities

One of the great paradoxes of leadership is that the leader must have the ability to lead his or her followers, while at the same time allowing himself or herself to be led by the same follows.

“What makes you a good leader is your capacity to listen to the people you’re leading.”

Part of this process of being led is exercising genuine listening skills.

“What makes you a good leader is your capacity to listen to the people you’re leading so that you don’t over-lead or under-lead,” Shabi said. “In the tango we talk about how the leader needs to be led to some extent by the follower. The same is true for leadership. It’s like a two way dance.”

4. Make the The Tough Decision (But Don’t Be a Tyrant)

Tough decisions are the proving ground for good leaders because not only do difficult decisions require wisdom and foresight, the also require that the leader fights off the desire to be like while at the same time taking into consideration his or her followers.

“The good leader can navigate that difficult dance between being popular and paying attention to the relationships in his or her team.”


“One of the things I notice in leaders is that they either get caught by wanting to please or be liked,” Shabi said. “They also sometimes do the opposite: they don’t care whether they’re liked or not and they become too tough or they focus on getting the decisions done without paying attention to the relationships they have on the team, and that also costs them something.”

It sounds like a delicate task, and it is – this is where the sound leader thrives.

“The good leader can navigate that difficult dance between being popular and paying attention to the relationships in his or her team,” Shabi said, “and at the same time making the difficult, tough decisions and being comfortable with not being liked.”

Want To Learn More About Being a Good Leader?

Aboodi Shabi’s step-by-step “Better Connect as a Leader” Goaly strategy will help you understand how connecting to your followers is an essential quality to a transformational leader.

Click here to start Aboodi’s “Better Connect as a Leader” series! In the meantime, take a look at the introductory video in Aboodi’s strategy.